The Good Wife's Guide

Here's a hilarious and sobering relic of American culture given to me by my new husband Michael. This magazine article explains exactly what it takes to be a good wife. It's so absurd it's funny. I bet you can't get through the list without laughing — or screaming — out loud at least once.

It's also pretty scary to realize that this attitude was considered "normal" only about fifty years ago. No wonder so many of our pre-feminist mothers and grandmothers needed valium to cope.

-E.Sikie

 

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

• Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite.

• Be happy to see him.

• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

• Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

• Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

• Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  

• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

• A good wife always knows her place.

Well, now that I've read this, I vow to take a 15 minute nap everyday (between jobs and school) so that I am "fresh-looking" and "gay" for my master when he gets home work, whatever hour or day that might be. I will also strive to keep our two pitbulls well brushed and silent so that they can "play the part" of daddy's "little treasures." Never again will dog toys and old bones clutter up his "haven of rest and order." I also am currently looking for a ribbon for my unkempt, wild hair. As for my place...it's now with a man who loves me precisely because I refuse to stay in it. -E